In the Beginning

Hey. So. Binging sucks. I'm at the point where I can't trust myself around food. It didn't always used to be this way though....It started at the end of the summer of 2008. I've had a terrible year. Things just really went downhill- I became depressed and really lost my self confidence. I just wasn't happy. It was difficult connecting with friends- I was faking smiling and acting my way though each day. When I got home, I would be so exhausted and angry. My family really felt my wrath. From smashing a bowl of cereal against a wall to flinging a carton orange juice across the kitchen table, I released my frustration at home in volatile moments and then held all my emotions in. So, BAM! I would have these red, flaming, aggressive moments, lock myself in my room, find a moment to sneak into the kitchen and binge on whatever I could find, feel horrible, and then cry in my room. The next day I would feel guilty and release my embarrassment about eating a ton of crappy food by my pissing out on my family. I would then skim through the rest of the day preventing that I was feeling great. pause.
Wow, it really hard to re- live the pain. Ah. Well. I could butter this blog up and talk about babies, butterflies, and lollypops. But I'm not. I'm just going to tell the truth. I'm going to tell it as it is.

So, the feeling down on myself, range, and gorging would just continue. It became a daily pattern, a furtive pattern though. I really tried to keep it a secret. I would make sure the oreos were in the same position they were in before I sanged at least 5. Then I might move onto to the cereal. Oh! Someone is coming into the kitchen! Hide the bowl of captin cruch in the nearest cabinet and quickly grab a cup and start filling it with water. La, la, la. "Oh, hey! I'm so thirsty. So how was the game?" I'm still working on it now. Whenever I'm about to be caught in a binge, I devert the conversation and hope to distract whoever it is from his or her hunch (which is that I'm binging). I'd also have to be careful not to have popular foods from out kitchen- I would try to find obscure foods, as to lower suspcion. So I never have the last cookie in the bag or finish off the Reese Pieces cereal. I used to buy carmel popcorn and candy bars on my way home, scarm all of 'em down in my room, pretend that I was on my computer or reading a book. That way I wouldn't have to run the risk of being caught in the kitchen or anger my family by eating their favorite treats. It wasn't until halfway through the year that my parents learned that I was binging. I started to hate myself. My parents had no idea why I was binging and weren't able to trust me. They were really ticked off. Our relationship for at least 3/4 of the year was crap. I was either extremely angry at them or would have the most empty conversations about stuff I didn't even care about. I was having alot of empty conversations. My mom thought that I might have had a learning disorders because I was having trouble focusing on things. A couple months ago, I was diagnosed with depression. Woah. I think I have to take a break. Man. Don't worry though, I come back with some positive stuff or helpful stuff. Bye for now. But, I'll promise you that I'm not going to binge tonight. :)

Here's a link to a condensed summary of what binge eating is: http://annecollins.net/binge-eating.htm